A New Year
Brief reflections on causality as a new parent
Newborn trenches
This morning at 3:30am, my 5-month old daughter inexplicably woke and could not, did not, go back to sleep. She was wide awake, grabbing her toes, swaying from one side to the other. Her dark eyes peered up intently at me. She still eats quite regularly through the nights, and so I fed her per our usual routine - something like feed number 3 of 5. However, she did not fall back asleep. She was perfectly content awake. She let out small, sweet vocalizations. She flailed her little arm to remind us that she was still there. We were beyond groggy as sleep deprivation has been the norm here. She eventually fell back asleep about an hour later; Raghav, in deep exhaustion, rocked her down.
If this were 3 to 4 months ago, I would have wondered what could explain her uncharacteristic, hourlong wake interlude. I’d have thought back to her most recent feeds. I’d have reviewed whether we took her out of the house earlier in the day and speculated on how that may have impacted her. “Speculate” really being the key word here. I would have gone into many speculations. I would have then gone onto Reddit to further add to my list of speculations.
If there is something that 10 months of pregnancy, but especially the last 5 months of being parent to a newborn has taught me, it is to assume no causality. I was told by our pediatrician that there is no causality in that there is no routine with a newborn - “Just survive these next three months”. However, to learn a new way of understanding my day-to-day without assigning causality was confounding. It was simply where my brain went. It was the immediate response of a person who was used to exerting control over their day-to-day.
What if nothing has causality?
During pregnancy, I listened to a podcast episode on “Philosophize This” discussing David Hume’s thoughts on causality. Hume made a proposition — what if there is no causality in the world? We assume causality in our observations. We observe what we perceive to be actions and reactions. However, can we really know? There is much we do not understand about our world and the mechanisms of it.
I thought a lot about this episode in the first 12 weeks of being a parent to my daughter. It was so much on our minds that Raghav would say to me in desperate moments, “there is no causality.” A newborn could only bear the weight of impingements out of the womb until she adapted and tolerated them. It was not about how much she had napped, or how much she ate, or whether we took her out, or whether my parents were staying with us, etc.
I find it hilarious, exhausting, and inspiring that our daughter is not incentivized to sleep by a set clock. I am inspired to try and live with a little more asynchronicity with the world. Now that I am a few more months along, I have more brain space to reflect on how much I assume causality within all aspects of my life. I can see how this assumption is a way to feel more in control. In this New Year, I hope to pay attention to my excessive adherence to this paradigm of thinking. It is part of my larger and ongoing objective to be in the moment.
Happy New Year!
And lastly a quick shout-out to Raghav’s…
MISSY in North America
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I always love hearing about when babies teach parents something new :)